Bread winner

Mahirap maging bread winner. Lalo na kung ikaw mismo nangangapa ka pa kung san papunta ang buhay mo.
Nung una kong nalaman na papasanin ko na ang responsibilidad ng pagtataguyod ng sarili ko at ng pamilya ko, literal na humagulgol ako. Wala ko noong pakialam kung nasa pampubliko akong lugar. Parang bumagsak ang lahat. Sandali. Pause muna, di pa ko ready. Pero di ko pwedeng sabihin yon. Pasalamat ako at mabait pa ang pagkakataon at binigyan pa ko ng panahon, nagkatrabaho uli ang aking ama, pero panandalian lang.
May trabaho pa rin naman sya ngaun pero di un sapat para saming lahat. O kahit nga sakanila lang. Dahil nakita ko ang depresyong bumalot sa aking ama, nagsumikap ako. Pinasan ko ang pagaaral ng mga kapatid ko. Nangangarap ako na mabigyan ng mabuting buhay at makapag relax naman kahit pano mga magulang ko. Nagagawa ko naman ito kahit pano pero wala nang natitira para saakin, parang di ko kinakaya minsan, ang hirap magtrabaho na ang iniisip mo kagad e kung pano ka kikita, lalo na sa trabaho kong kaylangan kong matugunan at maibigay ang pinakamagandang serbisyo sa mga tao, nawawala ang passion, mas iniisip ko ang araw ng bayaran bago ang kaylangan kong ibigay, kaya minsan naisip kong maghanap ng trabahong di ko kaylangan paganahin ang imahinasyon ko, na di ko kaylangan isipin ang malalaking bagay para lang kumita ng mabilis. Pero natatakot din ako dun, baka pagnagkataon lumiit ang utak ko..
Lumayo ako ng manila, para makabwelo dahil ang totoo tuwing umuuwi ako ang pangit ng nararamdaman ko. Ang bigat bigat. Di ko alam kung anong uunahin ko, ang pera bang pangtustos o ang pagaalaga sa kanila, pagbantay, dahil kaylangan din nila yon. Nahihirapan na ko, oo, pero di ako susuko. Kaya ko pa. Kaylangan ko na lang magdasal ng mataimtim para maayos lahat.

who am i

(i found this in my laptop during the holidays when there was nothing else to do.. i wrote this during the "dark eras of my life")

Who am I? I am sometimes just a figment of someone's imagination. An escape into a pleasurable world for a while. A diversion. I can be easily be forgotten. Because who am i? I am nobody. Nobody knows my deepest desire and my gravest secret. Because I'd never tell. I have learned to guard myself.

I am a cyber doll, ready to feed your appetite. I am whoever you want me to be.

And when I ask my importance to you. Silence.

I never felt my worth. Assumption is my worst enemy yet my loyal comrade. In battles in life and love we go hand in hand.

Who am I?

Am I worthy of your attention? Am I an opulent feast inviting everyone to dig in.

I am lost in my own world.

I have the stamina to live, just live, breathe and live. Yet my soul is drenching away further from me.

Who am I? I have asked myself this question. I have thought I have seen it atlast. Yet I'm still searching.

I am everything you want me to be. yet my true core hungers for the truth.

Who am I. I am a captive. I am a ruler. I am a deceiver. I am honest. I am tattle. I am eloquent. I am desperate. I am powerful.

Everything.

Yet I am empty.

The Game

wrote this one: October 19, 2008 1:46AM

I am one of those millions who wishes to play the game. The game that no one wins unless you treat it very differently. Love. Seduction. Emotion. Passion. Powerful entities that is very hard to handle once you group them all together as such. I am weak in these games. I tend to wear my heart out and then fail to even have a shake hand with success. In short, I always fail. I always end up alone. And so I chose to be alone for quite sometime. Even when I’m not really alone, I always felt the same. Alone in a sense that nobody think as I do. Nobody knows who I really am, what I really want. Except of course if I tell it to you straight to the point, or you have known me since I was still learning to read.

I only open myself up with quite a few people. The true me. Me with no bounderies. And when I say few, meaning, just recently, four. FOUR. Twenty four years of living my life and all that who I talk freely are just four people. And im still in contact with these people though.

One is my cousin. She’s been with me ever since her very first tooth came out her gums. I am older than her. But she was tougher. I remember the first time I saw her. Her mom, cuddling her. I was shy to go near her. I was two then. I so wanted to play with her for I was the only child then. I am restricted to play outside or get dirty and so my only playmate is my nanny. We were living in a compound owned by my grand parents, my dad’s parents, and I was the only kid there. And when I saw her, my cousin Jhian, I was so excited and anxious at the same time. What if I get so excited and happy that I won’t be able to control my strength or something and I make her cry, and my aunties, my parents, my grandparents would blame me for making her cry. So I just stayed a distance from her and just look at her. Her mom let her sit on a couch and sat beside her, and look at me and said, “go on, its okay, she’s your cousin, don’t be shy..” with her reassuring smile. Hesitantly, I approached them and sat beside them. I just sat there hugging my doll. I so wanted to play with her and my doll, but I don’t know how to start. But what is clear to me is after that. We were inseparable. Wherever I go she’s there. And if there are trips that wont permit us to go together, we fix it up and try to work things out just so that we can go together. I remember, every time we say goodbye to each other, we always cry. No one wants to let go. We know each other like the back of our hands. And we do fight but seize fire would appear after five minutes. We can’t resist to just talk about everything. Until I need to go to college. I stayed timid and she gained a lot more friends, friends who stick with her up until now. I don’t have friends like that back in my high school, I only got her. I understand that we were a team. We drew strength from each other. I have all the plans in my head and she has the guts to take an action on it. But when we got separated by time, she learned things from me and put in good action, while me, I tried, yet, I really don’t like opening up to people so much, so I remained introvert. Until I met Peachy.

Peachy and I were friends at first. We would share thoughts and stuff like that. But I was not really that open to her. not yet. Until we became a couple. Then the doors between us shut. Its very ironic between our relationship, that when we decided to take it to the next level and make it more intimate, we became more strangers than intimate friends. Then she left. I felt heartbroken then. That’s when the shell cracked and I had the courage to get out. I decided I want to do things I am scared to do, that I usually don’t do. I want to prove to myself I’m brave. I can make it on my own. When things are getting a little good and I was starting to feel my courage building in me. I met Kitin.

Kitin courted me. And seeing her as a player she talks about. She had two girlfriends then. I accepted her proposal and agreed to be her girlfriend. Just to play around. Try to play their game. But things miraculously turned around. She left her other two girls and stick with me. I was treated a royalty by her. and so I had a safe zone once more in a form of her. she taught me a lot of things. She managed to get me out of my shell. But I didn’t manage to destroy my shell. I, once in a while hide on it when I feel like it, when there are strangers around and I don’t know what to do to entertain them or so. We’ve been together for five years. My dreams became hers. She was trying to fulfill it for me. Which is wrong. She got so over protective. And I got a little self conscious. I was a little deprived of things I wanted to do before I ended up in this relationship. Five years and more was never the plan. I just wanted to play. I wanted to be free. And yes, I am a little insecure of myself. I wanted to know if Im really attractive or I am really the person that she tells me I am, or maybe she’s just telling me these things to make me feel good. Because that’s what she always do, make me feel good. I wanted to meet more people. People not connected to her. people I searched for. And when opportunity knocked when she went away to another country to work, I grabbed it. I tried chatting. And I met people. Some where attraced to me some where not. And one, who I end up having a relationship with. A some kind of cyber relationship. She was so convinced that I loved her. when truly I myself cannot comprehend what I was feeling. When I finally realized what I was really feeling , that Kitin is far much more important than her, though I never felt whole with kitin. I ended it up.

After that Peachy came back. The feeling was still there and very much alive and I thought maybe the thing that could make me whole was still with her, so I said I want to be with her. I’ll leave kitin and be with her. she left her girlfriend, and I was still hanging on waiting for the right time to cut the strings between me and kitin. During these times I was beginning to become close with two of my housemates. Sharing my thoughts, and stuff. One of these two I tried talking to but was afraid she might just tattle me. And when it was beginning to get close to the point where I would actually cut the strings with Kitin, I cannot talk to her anymore, she was too busy with her girlfriend. I also tried to talk to THE other housemate, Lang. And this was what she told me. I might just be too overwhelmed that Peachy’s back and she’s doing unusual things, but there will be a time that I would feel that the immediate magic I felt when we reconnect will be gone. By then there was doubt whenever I talk to her, for you see she was beginning to feel something for me. I told her to forget whatever she’s feeling for me and I asked her if we could stay as friends but I don’t want her to go I want her to stay with me and help me through my struggle, that she’s the only friend I could cling on to right now, and she agreed.

But aggressive as it is. Powerful as it was. The game was playing with us. She confessed that everyday the feeling she was feeling for me grew deeper and deeper. And me, well, I haven’t told her yet but I am falling for her too.

I ended my relationship with Kitin or rather she ended it. I got caught in an airport with peachy of one of the brothers of her best friend, my former housemate slash landlady, and Lang’s ex girlfriend, and tattled it to her. It was out of plan, and I have to agree to end it yet I know we could still mend it if I try to show her how sorry I am, but I didn’t push it anymore because it was getting out of bound. And that time I thought it would best for her. The best friend slash ex-housemate slash ex girlfriend, was a phsyco by the way. When she said “im gonna put you down” she’s really gonna mean it. She tried seducing Peachy, black mailing me, brainwashing Kitin, and threatening Lang, and she also tattled it to all her friends of the work I made . (not to mention that most of it were her assumptions). The only success she got, was the friends who doesn’t know me at all, bad mouthed me, harassed me.

I am still friends with Kitin right now, Peachy still loves me, Lang still stays with me. And I am still in one piece. Physically that is. But emotionally. I wanted to cut myself and my heart and my soul in to three. A part of me misses Kitin and wanted to go back to her. a part of me wanted to stick to what I felt so powerful before and give Peachy a second shot, and another was falling for Lang. Lang is becoming my confidant now. And being that person to me is someone special but to this situation right now is very crucial. I’m beginning to fall in love with her.

And so the game is still on. But I know its not really a game and I never treated it that way. That’s why there are risks. That’s why, im confused right now. They are so powerful that I don’t know if I could contain it. Maybe they would all disappear one day and I, once more will be alone. As always.

sigh

i feel useless..

i would like to reprogram myself and try to be someone more... more responsible, more enthusiast with work.

more like _ _ _ _ _ _ and more like _ _ _ _ _ or more like _ _ _ _ _ _ ...

super sigh! hate it!

wallflower

high school.

to others it was the life.

it was the peak of their adolescent years.

the stage of their life where they can't help but reminisce over and over.

high school.

i can't remember my high school.

i had friends. i had life. but i didn't live it to the fullest i would have to agree to that.

when i see my batch mates interacting on facebook, i would still feel left out.

maybe, i wasn't aware but maybe i was one of the loosers, one of the wallflowers, im one of the nice people.

and nice people are always put in the line last. maybe in highschool but not in real life. or to think again, maybe not..

i never wanted to be attached to anyone else back in high school, i had friends but not so close.

i didn't want expectations, i didn't want to make extra effort to make myself fit in, like the usual requirement to pass high school life.

half of me is glad that i decided to do that, but still half of me wished i could have done more than that.

but sometimes i still tend to remain as one. and maybe always will. tend to just sit around and just watch other people live their lives and wish i too were doing the same. Even if i tried so much to make myself to be outgoing. i tend to just curl up in the corner and just watch, with mouth closed, life move.

maybe its good, maybe its not. but bottom line is i don't want to be a wallflower anymore, neither be it from time to time. i want to live my life with no regrets and no what if's.

drafts...

i wonder what was going on in my mind when i tried posting the blogs i made quite sometime, but wasn't able to. and now i found it, read it and just posted it..

i think it should be good but since it's unfinish, it lacks sense..

but i posted it anyway.

when your closest friend becomes your boss

You are working in a company where some of your college buddies also work.

Everything was all well and fun. You all share the same rants, the same hopes, you laugh together, you hate things together. Then suddenly the big boss is looking for a new senior designer. you were all tested then finally one of you were chosen. And obviously its not you.

As a friend its all support and stuff. But eventually things get a little awkward.

I'm in the position right now. And its not that good.

Honestly, not out of bitterness or something. I cannot treat her and is not very truly comfortable as her being my boss. I mean, I want to learn things from my boss, not learn things with my boss. The experience she has is no difference than what I have. I respect her as my leader no doubt about it. She cannot boss me around. (im saying this with no grudge at all, i wat to be clear about it.. hehe).

Unlike before the environment in the office was steady and fun, and right now its like everyday, everyone needs to be toxic as she is. Because she is being stressed out by forces that only she can understand. Giving the negative energy back to us. Its like everything that's happening is all our fault. Everyday the awkwardness feeling increases, the obligation of working worsen. The big deal is, the one whose making it feel worse is someone you should be sharing the same feelings with. Then suddenly I have the fear that if she see's me not working as hard as her or I cannot work harder pass what she can do, she'll eat me alive.

I don't want to end up saying to her "sorry i cannot work with you anymore, its not comfortable anymore, i'd rather save the friendship than stay here and work for you."

The thing that I don't understand at all, does being head or boss comes with the attitude like Cruela devil? or the devil wears Prada kind of thing?

I am not in the position to judge or criticize her. As a friend I'll always be a constant reminder that "hey you're not your self anymore." But I hope I won't be fed up with it and say "sorry I need to give up now"

Funny when the big boss announced who the big "winner" is, and she started crying telling us she don't want the position but she cannot do anything about it, I encouraged her but then told her a premonition I had even before the big boss came looking for a new senior designer, "that i'm afraid that if there would become a big boss of her own field someday, she will be like a nightmare, like no one has the right to be less busy than she is."

And I'm afraid its coming true.