same old same old

Hello, I'm back. I don't know what gotten into me but I just wanted to type something out of my mind. I am sure it was something meaningful and whatnot, but then I saw some draft that I wrote three years ago and forgot everything. I didn't know why I didn't click publish. I don't know what I'm afraid of. No one will read it anyway. So why would I be worried if someone who is not suppose to know, read it, because they're not here. So I just publish it anyway.

So what am I suppose to write about? Honestly I forgot. If you want to know what happen to me for the past three years, I'd tell you, there is nothing much. Cliche I know. But three years and still same old problems, same old dilemma, different situation, different venue. And here I am again three years after I logged in and I'm pretty sure I'll vanish again for quite sometime. I just realize, I like to start things and run away half way thru. Unhealthy I know. But....

Oh well. I'll try to pop more often. 

T

Okay? Okay

I’m not okay. I look okay, I sound ok, but really, I’m not.

Yesterday, my friend messaged me, telling me how her mom confronted her with my lates and absences. She defended me by saying I skip work because I needed to bake for my other business. And then her mom blurted out that I don’t even pay my debt to her and I keep on skipping work to bake. She said she didn’t want to message me this because she didn't want me to feel my anxiety again. The moment i read her message it knocked me off. I cried the rest of the work hour. Well, its not her fault. I’ve been feeling this anxiety for a week now and I’m trying to suppress it as hard as I can. 

I always woke up feeling anxious that I might have done something wrong and that I might screw my existing interior project up. But I haven’t but I think I might. So I try to prevent it.

And then came my girlfriend’s birthday, she’s upset with something I don’t know. I tried to think of things to make her feel better and special. But all my suggestions just make her feel even worst. I don't have a gift for her, I don’t have a surprise for her.

Then came her birthday, our officemates surprised her with a booddle fight. I bought her cake. She felt happy. And then my friend, gave her something she was eyeing for for a long time, a Rayban wafer. She was happy. She immediately took a picture of our friend’s gift to her. She even posted andy’s card for her. Meanwhile, she was not surprised by my effort to make breakfast for her. We even had an little argument why she’s not taking any pictures or posting the things I made for her. I know its so immature of me but I can really feel that I haven't done anything to make her day or make her feel special. But everyone else did.

And then came that message. It was the last straw.

So here I go again. Feeling battered and tired and useless and feeling that I’m a big disappointment. I actually screwed things up. Those worries I have that wakes me is actually happening. I wanted to stab my head to stop it from thinking that way, or my heart to stop feeling anxious. I wanted to pause. 

I’m not okay, although I wanted to be. I want to talk to somebody, but I don't know who or how.

I wanted someone to ask me, “are you okay?”

But I guess no one will. Because my face don't show it my eyes wont either. I tried looking at my self in the mirror once, I was really feeling tired and down and bothered. But when I looked at myself, I looked okay. So maybe that’s why no one’s ever asked me, because I looked like I don’t need it. And its frustrating and sad.

(written 10/7/18)