Hi again

December 8, 2014

Hi its me again, i didn’t think i’ll be back on writing depressing things about my life, but i think this is my only way to vent out all these things. At least, i’m not venting out on social media. Maybe i’m still too conscious of what people might say about me. I’m afraid of being judged.

Anyways, i came across again with the negativity of people around me. Although i try my very best to side on them sometimes, but not really being negative myself, i can’t help but to snap a little.

We are opening a business. And two of my business partners are negative toward things. And even how positive i project things, they seemed to overpower my optimism and i, in return become helpless and defeated once again. Yes, i cannot firmly stand on my words and affirm to them that everything will be okay and everything will go as it should be, with no worries or complications, because i myself has a weakness that they can rub on my face everytime. I have time management issues. And i yes, i act slow. They on the other hand are the opposite of what i am. Including me, being optimistic, and them, being pessimistic. What can i do with a ratio of two against one, when my only weapon is hope. Where there is no assurance, as for time, you can feel it, you can affirm it. Nothing. And again I’m defeated. But i cannot always be selfless and self sacrificing so that no one will be hassled about it. If i do, does that mean that only  i can be hassled? Now would that be fair? What shall i do? say no to everyone? Then why are we opening this damn thing in the first place? For a hobby?? But then, i cannot say anything. Two against one. And me, with no weapons other that rainbows and smileys and googly eyes and all the stupid things that may seemed unnecessary for them.  Is there something wrong with me then?

They have things i cannot get myself. They can get what they want,dream and have it. I on the other hand can only dream. Maybe i’m doing things wrong. Maybe their way are the best way. Maybe I should change myself and try to act as they are. They become successful and liked, i on the other hand, well i really don’t know what other people say about me. Not that i heard anything about me. They may say good things but maybe its because i can hear it, i can know about it, that’s why they are telling me that, because maybe they think i need it. Or maybe i’m just being paranoid.

Tho shall not envy. But i’m guilty of it. No matter how hard i try not to think that i’m feeling this envy, because i know it doesn’t do me any good. But then again it always and it keeps on seeking for opportunity for me to realize that i am truly feeling it.  I envy people working with little money but still gets expensive things that they like. I envy them for doing what we are all doing but is able to have big bank accounts. When i on the other hand only have  the minimum amount requirement in order for me to keep my bank account, nothing more, nothing less. I don’t have fancy gadgets that i bought on my own.  I don’t have savings. I can get my family to eat at nice place tho, but then again, i cannot buy them led tv, or give them i phones that i myself bought through my own money. I don’t have people telling me how good my work are. I don’t have people seeking me for my talent. And i envy them. Envy is bad. I don’t dwell on it much but then again as i’ve said sometimes it seeps through my veins and alas, i cannot control it.

I’m blessed with my family in their own weird way. I’m blessed with my friends. Am i blessed with my significant other, sometimes. Or maybe my judgement towards her are too cloudy with all the things i wished she never did and i wished she should have done but know that she never will. And about that, well, that is another story.

Since i vented it out already. I hope i’d feel better now.

I hope to write to you soon. You make me feel better. Although sometimes i wish someone could actually read this and feel what i feel.