Bread winner

Mahirap maging bread winner. Lalo na kung ikaw mismo nangangapa ka pa kung san papunta ang buhay mo.
Nung una kong nalaman na papasanin ko na ang responsibilidad ng pagtataguyod ng sarili ko at ng pamilya ko, literal na humagulgol ako. Wala ko noong pakialam kung nasa pampubliko akong lugar. Parang bumagsak ang lahat. Sandali. Pause muna, di pa ko ready. Pero di ko pwedeng sabihin yon. Pasalamat ako at mabait pa ang pagkakataon at binigyan pa ko ng panahon, nagkatrabaho uli ang aking ama, pero panandalian lang.
May trabaho pa rin naman sya ngaun pero di un sapat para saming lahat. O kahit nga sakanila lang. Dahil nakita ko ang depresyong bumalot sa aking ama, nagsumikap ako. Pinasan ko ang pagaaral ng mga kapatid ko. Nangangarap ako na mabigyan ng mabuting buhay at makapag relax naman kahit pano mga magulang ko. Nagagawa ko naman ito kahit pano pero wala nang natitira para saakin, parang di ko kinakaya minsan, ang hirap magtrabaho na ang iniisip mo kagad e kung pano ka kikita, lalo na sa trabaho kong kaylangan kong matugunan at maibigay ang pinakamagandang serbisyo sa mga tao, nawawala ang passion, mas iniisip ko ang araw ng bayaran bago ang kaylangan kong ibigay, kaya minsan naisip kong maghanap ng trabahong di ko kaylangan paganahin ang imahinasyon ko, na di ko kaylangan isipin ang malalaking bagay para lang kumita ng mabilis. Pero natatakot din ako dun, baka pagnagkataon lumiit ang utak ko..
Lumayo ako ng manila, para makabwelo dahil ang totoo tuwing umuuwi ako ang pangit ng nararamdaman ko. Ang bigat bigat. Di ko alam kung anong uunahin ko, ang pera bang pangtustos o ang pagaalaga sa kanila, pagbantay, dahil kaylangan din nila yon. Nahihirapan na ko, oo, pero di ako susuko. Kaya ko pa. Kaylangan ko na lang magdasal ng mataimtim para maayos lahat.

awwwwe.... 9 years....

Don't patronize them because they have reached nine years together. Yes, they're my friends, and I'm happy for them. But I hope they are both happy with each other. I mean why would you stay with someone when you think you don't share the same interests anymore. That you think you're better off marrying someone else for casualty,just because you share the same interests and your travel buddies just to ease the hassle of traveling law dilemmas.
Why would you blush over someone and fantasize someone when you should be sharing intimate moments or any happy moments with your nine year long partner.

Is it because you two has some financial issues, that you bought things together and share the same burden of paying those bills?
Is it because of people trying to tell you how wonderful that you have reached nine years and it would be a waste to give it up?
That you're afraid to start with someone again? Then, you're just cheating on yourself .

Life is about taking risks, no matter if you start with square one again, at least you're happier with square one part two.

Anyways these are just my points of view. Every brain works differently. Yours works that way, his works that, hers like that and mine, this way.

Whatever may happen, whatever you want to do, as long as that makes you happy and experience life, I'm fine with it. The friendship bond will never break.

mutually happy

Is it bad to ask the same level of appreciation with what you can give?
NO, I don't want to be higher nor to get a higher one rather I would love it if it would be MUTUAL.
I mean unconditional love is overrated. I'm not mother Mary or some heavenly angels or saints for God's sake to fantasize about unconditional love.
I want equality, fairness.
I want to love and be loved.
Feel totally loved and be appreciated. At the same time I can give that same love and appreciation that I know I can give and will give selflessly. (dot dot dot) But would that be unconditional love then?
Nevertheless, all I want is to share the mutual understanding of LOVE, LIFE & HAPPINESS. That's all that matters.

The "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and " I would also love to" drama..
The knowing the other person like the back of your hand kind of thing.
The reading of each others thoughts kind of connection.
Need to elaborate? I know you get it.
I know it takes time and I know we're getting there soon i hope.