same old same old

Hello, I'm back. I don't know what gotten into me but I just wanted to type something out of my mind. I am sure it was something meaningful and whatnot, but then I saw some draft that I wrote three years ago and forgot everything. I didn't know why I didn't click publish. I don't know what I'm afraid of. No one will read it anyway. So why would I be worried if someone who is not suppose to know, read it, because they're not here. So I just publish it anyway.

So what am I suppose to write about? Honestly I forgot. If you want to know what happen to me for the past three years, I'd tell you, there is nothing much. Cliche I know. But three years and still same old problems, same old dilemma, different situation, different venue. And here I am again three years after I logged in and I'm pretty sure I'll vanish again for quite sometime. I just realize, I like to start things and run away half way thru. Unhealthy I know. But....

Oh well. I'll try to pop more often. 

T

Okay? Okay

I’m not okay. I look okay, I sound ok, but really, I’m not.

Yesterday, my friend messaged me, telling me how her mom confronted her with my lates and absences. She defended me by saying I skip work because I needed to bake for my other business. And then her mom blurted out that I don’t even pay my debt to her and I keep on skipping work to bake. She said she didn’t want to message me this because she didn't want me to feel my anxiety again. The moment i read her message it knocked me off. I cried the rest of the work hour. Well, its not her fault. I’ve been feeling this anxiety for a week now and I’m trying to suppress it as hard as I can. 

I always woke up feeling anxious that I might have done something wrong and that I might screw my existing interior project up. But I haven’t but I think I might. So I try to prevent it.

And then came my girlfriend’s birthday, she’s upset with something I don’t know. I tried to think of things to make her feel better and special. But all my suggestions just make her feel even worst. I don't have a gift for her, I don’t have a surprise for her.

Then came her birthday, our officemates surprised her with a booddle fight. I bought her cake. She felt happy. And then my friend, gave her something she was eyeing for for a long time, a Rayban wafer. She was happy. She immediately took a picture of our friend’s gift to her. She even posted andy’s card for her. Meanwhile, she was not surprised by my effort to make breakfast for her. We even had an little argument why she’s not taking any pictures or posting the things I made for her. I know its so immature of me but I can really feel that I haven't done anything to make her day or make her feel special. But everyone else did.

And then came that message. It was the last straw.

So here I go again. Feeling battered and tired and useless and feeling that I’m a big disappointment. I actually screwed things up. Those worries I have that wakes me is actually happening. I wanted to stab my head to stop it from thinking that way, or my heart to stop feeling anxious. I wanted to pause. 

I’m not okay, although I wanted to be. I want to talk to somebody, but I don't know who or how.

I wanted someone to ask me, “are you okay?”

But I guess no one will. Because my face don't show it my eyes wont either. I tried looking at my self in the mirror once, I was really feeling tired and down and bothered. But when I looked at myself, I looked okay. So maybe that’s why no one’s ever asked me, because I looked like I don’t need it. And its frustrating and sad.

(written 10/7/18)

Hi again

December 8, 2014

Hi its me again, i didn’t think i’ll be back on writing depressing things about my life, but i think this is my only way to vent out all these things. At least, i’m not venting out on social media. Maybe i’m still too conscious of what people might say about me. I’m afraid of being judged.

Anyways, i came across again with the negativity of people around me. Although i try my very best to side on them sometimes, but not really being negative myself, i can’t help but to snap a little.

We are opening a business. And two of my business partners are negative toward things. And even how positive i project things, they seemed to overpower my optimism and i, in return become helpless and defeated once again. Yes, i cannot firmly stand on my words and affirm to them that everything will be okay and everything will go as it should be, with no worries or complications, because i myself has a weakness that they can rub on my face everytime. I have time management issues. And i yes, i act slow. They on the other hand are the opposite of what i am. Including me, being optimistic, and them, being pessimistic. What can i do with a ratio of two against one, when my only weapon is hope. Where there is no assurance, as for time, you can feel it, you can affirm it. Nothing. And again I’m defeated. But i cannot always be selfless and self sacrificing so that no one will be hassled about it. If i do, does that mean that only  i can be hassled? Now would that be fair? What shall i do? say no to everyone? Then why are we opening this damn thing in the first place? For a hobby?? But then, i cannot say anything. Two against one. And me, with no weapons other that rainbows and smileys and googly eyes and all the stupid things that may seemed unnecessary for them.  Is there something wrong with me then?

They have things i cannot get myself. They can get what they want,dream and have it. I on the other hand can only dream. Maybe i’m doing things wrong. Maybe their way are the best way. Maybe I should change myself and try to act as they are. They become successful and liked, i on the other hand, well i really don’t know what other people say about me. Not that i heard anything about me. They may say good things but maybe its because i can hear it, i can know about it, that’s why they are telling me that, because maybe they think i need it. Or maybe i’m just being paranoid.

Tho shall not envy. But i’m guilty of it. No matter how hard i try not to think that i’m feeling this envy, because i know it doesn’t do me any good. But then again it always and it keeps on seeking for opportunity for me to realize that i am truly feeling it.  I envy people working with little money but still gets expensive things that they like. I envy them for doing what we are all doing but is able to have big bank accounts. When i on the other hand only have  the minimum amount requirement in order for me to keep my bank account, nothing more, nothing less. I don’t have fancy gadgets that i bought on my own.  I don’t have savings. I can get my family to eat at nice place tho, but then again, i cannot buy them led tv, or give them i phones that i myself bought through my own money. I don’t have people telling me how good my work are. I don’t have people seeking me for my talent. And i envy them. Envy is bad. I don’t dwell on it much but then again as i’ve said sometimes it seeps through my veins and alas, i cannot control it.

I’m blessed with my family in their own weird way. I’m blessed with my friends. Am i blessed with my significant other, sometimes. Or maybe my judgement towards her are too cloudy with all the things i wished she never did and i wished she should have done but know that she never will. And about that, well, that is another story.

Since i vented it out already. I hope i’d feel better now.

I hope to write to you soon. You make me feel better. Although sometimes i wish someone could actually read this and feel what i feel.

New year. New life

I usually visit this blog whenever I'm feeling emo. And as I see, me being depressed about something became seldom or maybe I'm just too busy to even bother to rant about my frustrations and even worse make it sound interesting. I'm too preoccupied with my "big bad world" life or maybe I'm getting old about this. Whatever the reason is, I'd like to start writing again and i hope not sporadically.. 

Random thoughts from 2013

Its weird that i just realize i have lost myself. The one who's deep and full of dancing words. Of words that can be chained to revive a feeling to send chills in a sleeping heart. I have lost my childhood dreams and passion. Its like i've finally left neverland indeed. Im off to set my own walkway with pavements and paint rather with flowers and glitters and soft fluffy clouds. I'm off to take the template memo and pattern my life with it. 

I didn't foresee that this decision that i took could be very depressing. I knew from the start I wouldn't like it. But I didn't saw that i wouldn't last it. In different perspectives what I've done could be seen as fulfilling and at the same time frustrating . I've been spending my hard earned money to something more noble and practical rather than to some self fulfilling expenses.  But still i feel lost. And not only does my pockets are literally empty I myself is empty.

Bread winner

Mahirap maging bread winner. Lalo na kung ikaw mismo nangangapa ka pa kung san papunta ang buhay mo.
Nung una kong nalaman na papasanin ko na ang responsibilidad ng pagtataguyod ng sarili ko at ng pamilya ko, literal na humagulgol ako. Wala ko noong pakialam kung nasa pampubliko akong lugar. Parang bumagsak ang lahat. Sandali. Pause muna, di pa ko ready. Pero di ko pwedeng sabihin yon. Pasalamat ako at mabait pa ang pagkakataon at binigyan pa ko ng panahon, nagkatrabaho uli ang aking ama, pero panandalian lang.
May trabaho pa rin naman sya ngaun pero di un sapat para saming lahat. O kahit nga sakanila lang. Dahil nakita ko ang depresyong bumalot sa aking ama, nagsumikap ako. Pinasan ko ang pagaaral ng mga kapatid ko. Nangangarap ako na mabigyan ng mabuting buhay at makapag relax naman kahit pano mga magulang ko. Nagagawa ko naman ito kahit pano pero wala nang natitira para saakin, parang di ko kinakaya minsan, ang hirap magtrabaho na ang iniisip mo kagad e kung pano ka kikita, lalo na sa trabaho kong kaylangan kong matugunan at maibigay ang pinakamagandang serbisyo sa mga tao, nawawala ang passion, mas iniisip ko ang araw ng bayaran bago ang kaylangan kong ibigay, kaya minsan naisip kong maghanap ng trabahong di ko kaylangan paganahin ang imahinasyon ko, na di ko kaylangan isipin ang malalaking bagay para lang kumita ng mabilis. Pero natatakot din ako dun, baka pagnagkataon lumiit ang utak ko..
Lumayo ako ng manila, para makabwelo dahil ang totoo tuwing umuuwi ako ang pangit ng nararamdaman ko. Ang bigat bigat. Di ko alam kung anong uunahin ko, ang pera bang pangtustos o ang pagaalaga sa kanila, pagbantay, dahil kaylangan din nila yon. Nahihirapan na ko, oo, pero di ako susuko. Kaya ko pa. Kaylangan ko na lang magdasal ng mataimtim para maayos lahat.

who am i

(i found this in my laptop during the holidays when there was nothing else to do.. i wrote this during the "dark eras of my life")

Who am I? I am sometimes just a figment of someone's imagination. An escape into a pleasurable world for a while. A diversion. I can be easily be forgotten. Because who am i? I am nobody. Nobody knows my deepest desire and my gravest secret. Because I'd never tell. I have learned to guard myself.

I am a cyber doll, ready to feed your appetite. I am whoever you want me to be.

And when I ask my importance to you. Silence.

I never felt my worth. Assumption is my worst enemy yet my loyal comrade. In battles in life and love we go hand in hand.

Who am I?

Am I worthy of your attention? Am I an opulent feast inviting everyone to dig in.

I am lost in my own world.

I have the stamina to live, just live, breathe and live. Yet my soul is drenching away further from me.

Who am I? I have asked myself this question. I have thought I have seen it atlast. Yet I'm still searching.

I am everything you want me to be. yet my true core hungers for the truth.

Who am I. I am a captive. I am a ruler. I am a deceiver. I am honest. I am tattle. I am eloquent. I am desperate. I am powerful.

Everything.

Yet I am empty.