sigh

i feel useless..

i would like to reprogram myself and try to be someone more... more responsible, more enthusiast with work.

more like _ _ _ _ _ _ and more like _ _ _ _ _ or more like _ _ _ _ _ _ ...

super sigh! hate it!

wallflower

high school.

to others it was the life.

it was the peak of their adolescent years.

the stage of their life where they can't help but reminisce over and over.

high school.

i can't remember my high school.

i had friends. i had life. but i didn't live it to the fullest i would have to agree to that.

when i see my batch mates interacting on facebook, i would still feel left out.

maybe, i wasn't aware but maybe i was one of the loosers, one of the wallflowers, im one of the nice people.

and nice people are always put in the line last. maybe in highschool but not in real life. or to think again, maybe not..

i never wanted to be attached to anyone else back in high school, i had friends but not so close.

i didn't want expectations, i didn't want to make extra effort to make myself fit in, like the usual requirement to pass high school life.

half of me is glad that i decided to do that, but still half of me wished i could have done more than that.

but sometimes i still tend to remain as one. and maybe always will. tend to just sit around and just watch other people live their lives and wish i too were doing the same. Even if i tried so much to make myself to be outgoing. i tend to just curl up in the corner and just watch, with mouth closed, life move.

maybe its good, maybe its not. but bottom line is i don't want to be a wallflower anymore, neither be it from time to time. i want to live my life with no regrets and no what if's.

drafts...

i wonder what was going on in my mind when i tried posting the blogs i made quite sometime, but wasn't able to. and now i found it, read it and just posted it..

i think it should be good but since it's unfinish, it lacks sense..

but i posted it anyway.

when your closest friend becomes your boss

You are working in a company where some of your college buddies also work.

Everything was all well and fun. You all share the same rants, the same hopes, you laugh together, you hate things together. Then suddenly the big boss is looking for a new senior designer. you were all tested then finally one of you were chosen. And obviously its not you.

As a friend its all support and stuff. But eventually things get a little awkward.

I'm in the position right now. And its not that good.

Honestly, not out of bitterness or something. I cannot treat her and is not very truly comfortable as her being my boss. I mean, I want to learn things from my boss, not learn things with my boss. The experience she has is no difference than what I have. I respect her as my leader no doubt about it. She cannot boss me around. (im saying this with no grudge at all, i wat to be clear about it.. hehe).

Unlike before the environment in the office was steady and fun, and right now its like everyday, everyone needs to be toxic as she is. Because she is being stressed out by forces that only she can understand. Giving the negative energy back to us. Its like everything that's happening is all our fault. Everyday the awkwardness feeling increases, the obligation of working worsen. The big deal is, the one whose making it feel worse is someone you should be sharing the same feelings with. Then suddenly I have the fear that if she see's me not working as hard as her or I cannot work harder pass what she can do, she'll eat me alive.

I don't want to end up saying to her "sorry i cannot work with you anymore, its not comfortable anymore, i'd rather save the friendship than stay here and work for you."

The thing that I don't understand at all, does being head or boss comes with the attitude like Cruela devil? or the devil wears Prada kind of thing?

I am not in the position to judge or criticize her. As a friend I'll always be a constant reminder that "hey you're not your self anymore." But I hope I won't be fed up with it and say "sorry I need to give up now"

Funny when the big boss announced who the big "winner" is, and she started crying telling us she don't want the position but she cannot do anything about it, I encouraged her but then told her a premonition I had even before the big boss came looking for a new senior designer, "that i'm afraid that if there would become a big boss of her own field someday, she will be like a nightmare, like no one has the right to be less busy than she is."

And I'm afraid its coming true.

changing and compromising

Its true how they say that you cannot change someone in order to fit them in your lifestyle or how you choose to live your life..

But you can compromise for that person.

Changing. Its doing something totally opposite to what you usually do. BECAUSE of certain factors, like fear, frustration or anger..

Compromising. it is looking at things in her or his way then analyzing which are the things you can do and cannot do without. or things you can lessen or things you can justify with. You do this because you care about this person and how he or she feels. And you want the both of you to be happy.

If you don't feel that way and you feel like your partner is forcing you to change into someone you are not and you still stick on the idea "this is what I am, this is what I do, and nobody can change me" well i guess, i got two words for you and three more "GOOD LUCK" and "LET IT GO"

Good luck in finding someone who will keep up with you and your idea of vacuum love. You cannot always take things from someone.

And if you're still in the relationship. LET IT GO. Your problem is a hopeless one. Your just making it hard for you and that someone.

But I'm sure sooner or later u'll learn to compromise its not yet the time and the person to do it with, I guess.

*disclaimer: if you're being poked with the subject, i have nothing against you, just blurting out my thoughts, and besides I don't know you just yet to judge you. *wink*

hey jelousy

and she gave me the silent treatment yesterday..

and her silence was killing me..

i cannot ask her to talk to me or tell me whats wrong, tho i really know what's wrong,

i just want her to tell me that what i did to pissed her off and tell me that she needs me to do this that i won't be doing this.. i just need to know what's going on in her mind.

make over

I'm getting tired of how i look..

I'd like to change how i dress..

how i think about buying stuff for my self

i'd like to financially worry free.. (goodluck to that!)

how i'd like to earn enough to send my brother and my sister to school, enough to buy my mom and my dad groceries, enough to pay our bills, enough to buy myself clothes and shoes and bags and stuff every month, enough to eat on fancy restaurants with my special someone.

enough to just relax..

i want to a make over of my look, my life and my wallet.

it's a rather gloomy weather we got here today. feels like something eerie might happen. you know when a suspense thriller movie might start. and the news on t.v. so many suicides, killings, natural disaster happenings. or come to think about it, its everyday t.v. But why am I so paranoid about the weather. or maybe its just me and my frustrations.

their story...

He let her go.
Saying that if he didn't, she would not have what she has today, being loved by someone who truly deserves her.
Looking at her in a distance and convincing himself that he did her good.

What he didn't know that every moment she spends with her new found love, how she wished that this person could be him. Him who should be looking in her eyes searching her soul. He who should be saying all these words to her that can lift her up to the sky and melt her heart. He who should be holding her hands. That it would be better if he tried to reach her. And so much better if it's he who's beside her, holding her, loving her.

And still, he just look at her in a distance not knowing that he just made her go for second best when he was always had been the only one she needs.

who am i?...

(i found this stashed somewhere deep inside my computer during the holidays, when there was nothing else to do, i wrote this during the dark eras of my life)

who am I? I am sometimes just a figment of someone's imagination. An escape into a pleasurable world for a while. A diversion. I can easily be forgotten. Because who am I? I am nobody. Nobody knows my deepest desire and my gravest secret. Because I'd never tell. I have learned to guard myself.

I am a cyberdoll, ready to feed your appetite. I am whoever you want me to be.

And when I ask my importance to you. Silence.

I never felt my worth. Assumption is my worst enemy yet my loyal comrade. In battles in life and love. We go hand in hand.

Who am I?

Am I worthy of your attention? Am I an opulent feast invting everyone o dig in?

I am lost in my own world.

I have the stamina to live, just live, breathe and live. yet my soul is drenching away further from me.

Who am I? I have asked myself this question. I thought I have seen it atlast. Yet I'm still searching.

I am everything you want me to be. Yet my true core hungers for the truth. Who am I. I am a captive. I am a ruler. I am a deceiver. I am honest. I am a tattle. I am eloquent. I am desperate. I am powerful.

Everything.

Yet I am empty.